No Comment
9/3/96 - Ok, I'm back from vacation. I thought I'd be amazingly depressed, but I'm not. Vacation was excellent. I spent it with a very old friend and several newer. I spent time thinking about my future, my present and my past. I have a clear plan for the former that contains strands from the latter two. It is with hope that I return to work. I'm not dwelling on last week, but dealing with it as I do a bath. I stayed in a small town on Cape Cod. The town (according to Andy's grandmother) doesn't even show up on the Massachusetts diner placemat maps. I loved every second of my stay, but I realized I'm a Virginian and would not be happy if I remained. That is the perfection's single mar. Several aspects of my life are marred in a single, BIG way. When I try to gaze through the imperfection I end of hurting myself. When I see clearly, as I do about this vacation, I enjoy to the degree to which I should and don't get caught in a wishful thinking trap. Tomorrow I shall lighten up and discuss two movies I saw on vacation.
9/4/96 - As I promised today I talk about movies. I saw Emma while on vacation. Excellent flick. Set in the mid 1800s, Emma tries to set up her friend several times. Nothing works. In the end both Emma and her friend find their match in someone whose been there the whole time. There is, of course, more to the movie than this. Relationship dynamics between Emma and every other character is the most fun element. How could one person be so completely honest? Pretty interesting question to me. Emma takes full responsibility for her actions without even questioning the alternatives. This is not something I see people doing today (this is not something I do). I wonder if Jane Austin's peers actually did this? Ok, I dug that movie so when I got home I rented the 1995 remake (sort of): Clueless. In this version Emma is named Cher and small town England is Beverly Hills. Strangely enough the people behind Clueless did a bang up job translating the story. There were a few meaningless scenes, and the end didn't wrap up quite as smoothly as I'd hoped but overall I was remarkably impressed by this movie I'd thought aimed at teens. Cher is a brilliant mix of thoughtful (uh) cluelessness... right on the line between fairy tale and believable. Well, enough gushing. I recommend seeing both of these flicks in the order in which I saw them. Clueless was as good as it was BECAUSE it was a beautiful story's gorgeous interpretation. Tonight I watch action films... Grunt.
9/5/96 - I hope my roommates remember to deliver our rent checks today; If they don't we owe more... that'll suck. Ok, I saw no action movie last night. I did discover my mother acting like hers. My cousin is a college freshman in the area so I got her and took her to pizza. Then we drove around some. We stopped at my parent's house. Dad was reading the paper and listening to classical music (how white collar!) and Mom was watching Billy Graham. Her mother used to swear by Billy Graham. Hmmm. It's cool having my cousin around; at least I hope it will be. We're 8 years apart so until recently she's been too young to hang out. Aside from my sister who's 2 years younger than I, my cousin is the my relative closest in age to myself... I don't have a large family. Growing up all my close friends had cousins close in age to themselves. I envied them. I've recently realized there is plenty about my family that's cool too. I guess everyone is blessed in their own different way... Geez, I sound like my grandmother... Ahhhhh!
9/6/96 - Whoa, do we a storm here today?! I was awakened at 5:30a this morning by the water leaking through the window over my bed. Rotten, lousy water dripping on the sill continuously continually keeping me from relaxing and falling back asleep for the final restful hour I know I had coming to me. I fetched the towel the water bade me get, but the continuous dripping continually kept me from sleep. I picked myself up out of bed and dragged my t-shirt/boxer clad body to the couch upon which I slept until I noticed the water coming to see me over the sliding door's top edge. I didn't let it get me. I relaxed and slept until Andy, laughing over the couch's back, asked what I was doing on the couch. "The water on my sill won't shut up and let me sleep" I said. "Did you get it a towel?" he asked. I went back to sleep annoyed the water only liked me. My damn alarm went off and I decided I'd sleep another 30 minutes in spite of... well, because. I got up 30 minutes later made my coffee and grits, showered, changed the water's towel and drove to work over all the tree fragments the water left on the road for me.
9/9/96 - Interesting weekend to be certain. I saw a group of people I haven't seen in 20 months. I thought it was going to be painful, but it was quite fun. My band played a party thrown by my first actual boss. We played well (I hope); I must admit I wasn't in the best condition to judge. The show ended and the interesting evening continued. I was supposed to attend a shindig at 10a yesterday morning, but found myself 3 hours away from Richmond at 8:30a. Driving was not fun. Finding the shindig took an additional hour, but I arrived at 1:30p. The highlight was a wetbike ride I was tricked into by my friend Alison. I had no idea those little things were so fast. I had no idea my recklessness tolerance was so low. She accelerated and I practically fell off the back; Had my hand not reflexively grabbed the back of her life jacket I would have eaten it right then and there. In hind sight that probably would have been the smart thing to do. As it was I had all thoughts of bravery smashed into tiny bits during my 120 second ride of terror. I groveled for mercy. Had it not been for divine intervention (thunder and lightning) I would probably be dead of heart failure. Ok, so I recovered and fled before anyone else tricked me into other speed related water sports.
9/10/96 -
Why is thinking such a torturous activity? Sometimes it's fun. Other times
considering possibilities is enough to drive one insane. Most possibilities
will never work themselves to fruition yet I still bother myself with their
potential. I could rip my guts out. Panic. No, wait! Lee, this is stupid.
Ok, subject change: Something weird is going on here. I swear I saw someone
that couldn't be here. No.
Lee, you realize you are posting a blue print of your strangeness on the world
wide web, right?
Yes, I know. Actually, this is a pretty cool way to fill space, don't you
think?
Huh?
Well, what conclusions have we reached today? 1) I'm turning something that
shouldn't bother me so severely into something that does. 2) It's my own
fault. 3) I see what going on and I can't stop it.
Lee, chill and drink your coffee.
Ok, I feel much better now... how'd I do that?
9/11/96 - Today is Porsche Day (9/11); get it? Here comes my friend Will; I just saw him drive into the lot. My window affords me an excellent view of Jepson Hall's comings and goings. As if they concern me. What does concern me? The radio this morning featured a story on the Tobacco Industry. "Should the Gov't and Big Tobacco cut some deal?", that was the question. The G-man said "Yes, it's just a question of terms". Mr Butts said "We've done nothing illegal; why should we pay?" I say "This sucks". I say privatize insurance; let smokers pay higher insurance premiums, but at least make everyone take responsibility for there own personal choices. Remove the gov't interest and let people kill themselves. Let the Surgeon General tell people what they're doing to themselves; that should be the totality of G-man's involvement. I've only glazed over what I think the problem is; Tobacco use is just one area where the problem surfaces... like the tip of an iceberg. People want something onto which to pin responsibility that should be their own. The Gov't is a willing recipient of personal responsibility. Giving responsibility to the Gov't is not evil in itself; the problem comes when we refuse to give up the freedom attached to this responsibility. Here is the statement by which we should live:
Act and Accept the Responsibilities and Consequences
9/12/96 -
Here I am thinking of bunches of stuff none of which is amazingly (or even
slightly) interesting to others. No matter... I'll make something up:
Last night, after dropping my friend off at a car repair place, I drove home. A
s I
pulled onto a lonely stretch of country road the ground in front of me crumbled
and mounded and from the dirty pile came a great metallic boring machine. The
machine's inverted sugar cone drill tip tipped back and from the machine stepped
Elvis in an unwashed jumpsuit. "Uh, pardon me, son." he snarled "Can you tell
me how to get to Memphis?" I was aghast. He looked much more fit than I would
have expected a 60 year old with his eating habits to be. The jumpsuit was
obviously several sizes too large as if it had been reverse shrunk from many
washes (none of which happened too recently). I considered the situation and
pondered his question (as if it required deep thought). "Go that way" I
pointed toward the orange, setting sun. "I knew I should have taken that left
turn at Albuquerque" he said as he pulled and latched the hatch. And back into
the ground he went with a whir.
9/13/96 - I'm casually watching my friend Kevin remove his stuff from the office that's been his for the last 6 months. He just got his pictures hung, now his been moved up to Jersey... poor sap. Hopefully I'll be able to keep in touch; my track record is not gleeming. Another friend sent me one of those "send 10 copies of this letter and receive..." letters. Kevin is still unaware I sent 9 copies to him and one to the friend originally sending it to me. I'm not certain if that violates the spirit of the missive, but, heck, 10 copies are elsewhere right now... law is cool when you can bend it to your benefit. I run my first road race of the fall tomorrow. I'm nervous (imagine that!). I should do alright. I started a new ritual last night. I had a Big Mac for dinner (and some spaghetti); I don't know if I get enough protein in my diet so I figured... Why not have a Big Mac? It was the first Big Mac I've had in a while. Good stuff those grease burgers they are. I like that sentence... it's confusing yet it has some grammatical ground on which to stand. True, the ground is soaking wet and a good wind will blow over anything standing on it. Ok, I haven't seen Kevin in a while... maybe he's reading his 9 copies of the chain letter...
9/16/96 - I can't help but be a little proud of my saturday race. I ran a 37:27 on a rolling 10K. My first mile was 6:02 and my average pace was 6:02. That's perfect pacing. My goal is 36:00; I think on a flatter course and after more training I will crush my goal. But on to other things. When I was younger I thought both coffee and bourbon were foul liquids I would never consume. I haven't had bourbon in a while, but I can't put coffee down. Yesterday I polluted my system with too much coffee and too much orange juice. I may as wel l have poured caffiene and citric acid straight down my throat. Oh well, this is going nowhere. My pal Kevin is gone. He told the company he wanted to move up so they sent him north. He now works in Newark, NJ; that's an improveme nt. Ok. I'm unmotivated today. That's my observation as I leave.
9/17/96 - Theme for the day: Observing the banal but consistantly unobserved. For example: do ever notice your nose when your eyes are open yet you're not looking in the mirror? Once you notice the big thing right there in your visual field's center it's very distracting... I can't stop paying attention to my big honkin' nose! True, my nose is bigger than most people's, but I'd guess that doesn't mean I'm the only person that can see my nose. My nose points to my keyboard as I type. It just sits there waiting for me to mess up. Then it lowers its head in shame as I glance down to find the key I meant to hit. Or it laughs as I type the equals sign (=) instead of the back space. "What in the world brought this stupid observation to your mind, Lee?" I was noticing my hair had crept into my field of vision. I used to have very short hair... Now I'm letting it get bigger and it's claiming its share of my attention by placing itself between me and stuff I want to watch... like Monday Night Football. Oh, but speaking of Big Hair... yesterday I saw someone I thought I knew... from where I didn't know. It hit me a while later "I think we graduated from high school together". I got out my yearbook and started the search. Geez Oh Flip! Some people with whom I graduated had HUGE HAIR. Not just big, but JERSEY BIG, BON JOVI FAN, FACE MINIMIZING HUGE HAIR. These people probably didn't need bike helmets. I hope they fixed the problem. I'm a swell one to talk, though. In my picture I have one curl flipping out the back under each ear and tragic bangs. Hopefully one day I'll be bald and bad hair won't be a concern.
9/18/96 - Here I sit feeling slightly different than I did last night. I guess that's normal. Although I do notice it quite severly sometimes. I have great ideas in the evening that seem quite dumb in the morning sunlight. I guess maybe the chemical composition of my brain changes at night. It could be something like observing your surroundings at sunset then climbing at hill at night and reobserving in the morning. Of course things will look different. The surroundings haven't changed, but your position relative to them has AND, in physical terms, the further from the earth's center one is the more potential energy one has. That's not a bad similie, is it?
9/19/96 - What's today? Thursday, that's right. I'm so absent minded these days. What am I supposed to be doing today? Working I guess. What kind of work? Well, I have to clean up a datafile. I have to print out some photographs. Some guy in NY is supposed to call me about a world wide web product. Programming changes are needed in too many places to list. Oh, good song on the CD player. I'm not sure why it shocked me; I played the CD. I'm going to run at lunch time so I can go to happy hour after work. I ran like the wind yesterday afternoon. Running too quickly upsets my stomach. You didn't want to know that, did you? I saw my favorite band last night. Agents of Good Roots are recording shows for the next little while in order to compile and release a live album in December... you heard it here first. Boy, Lee, This is a boring little bit of writing you've done today. Shut up.
9/20/96 - I've thought I express myself effectively but how many days do I start this journal saying "I've nothing to say today"? Am I unfeeling and unthinking? Of course not. I temporarily lack the creative flame to illuminate my minds innards. I simply need to bring a external light source. Metaphorically it's easy; actually it's tough. Having never taken drugs stronger than dry gin martinis I can't make this statement with Tyson strength, but I'd guess that people take drugs to fuel the creative furnace. It makes sense to me. I'm not advocating drug use (in this case I'm going to ask you to judge me by my actions and not my words, because, even to me, my words are unclear) but put a few drinks in me and I think differently... imagine what a drug label "psychedelic" can do to thoughts (probably alot more than just add some light). Ok, so it looks like I support recreational drug use... this is not good. I am smart enough to see that society does. The issue is skirted by drawing a line between alcohol and pot; everything past alcohol is called a drug and alcohol's drugness is conveniently ignored... what can we do? We tried prohibition; that worked well. It's a damn interesting question, isn't it? For the record (and in case someone from work reads this): If for no other reason than illegal drugs are illegal I don't support them; drugs cause trouble, legal and otherwise... just ask Shannon Hoon... no, wait, he's dead of an O.D.; see my point? I guess too much heat from the creative furnace is bad.
9/23/96 - I use my imagination as a sedative sometimes... today you get to come on a trip to a place of comfort. For some reason sunlight is more soothing than darkness, the redness that overcomes vision with eyes closed in the sun and the heat. The smell of flowers in a garden warmed into the air like living pot pourri. Birds, bugs and water whirring. Weaving through trees whose leaves whisper with the winding wind are any number of things I can't see. Warm bricks spread out under moss and wrought iron benches painted black but rusting still, evidence of rain and time working their wonders. The peace of no worries and a well defined place in life seems... crap! That's where I fail. When I start thinking about things outside the sensual realm my reality cracks through and crushes everything. I can hear my fingers on the keys and the desk comes into focus and I feel like typing hocus pocus because it rhymes and who says a sentence has to make sense anyway, right? Off to work (crap!).
9/24/96 - I parked a way away from the office this morning. The wetness on the grass soaked through the toes of my shoes as I walked in. I still feel it. The sun h adn't fully shown itself but more because it lacked the strength to burn off the clouds than it wasn't ready to rise. And here I sit trying desperately to congeal thoughts of people and places and things into patterns that make sense. It all may never have even meant to be understood in unison, but trying to grasp harmony in the chorus is an act of both comfort and distress. Through this whole paragraph the only common thread seems to be the wet one woven into the toe of my shoes. I take some comfort in the banal... it's always there. Who is ever without surroundings? Who really notices the normal? It's when something changes, something moves or something yells "Hey, Look at ME!" that we focus our attention. I guess this is neither right nor wrong it just is... kinda Taoist. Well, that's where I am today...
9/25/96 - Coffee and OJ. Coffee and OJ. I was hoping repetition would jar something free... nothing yet. The coffee is acceptable but not great. The OJ is very good but has this annoying side effect... it make the coffee taste like ash. I made myself laugh out loud this morning. Mostly when I amuse myself I simply snicker inside. As I got dressed I pulled on my tennis raquet boxers, a plain white t-shirt, some dark blue socks and, inexplicably, my shoes. There I sat on the edge of my bed in underwear, socks and shoes. I had to get up and look at myself in the mirror; the ridiculousness was more than I could take quietly. The wave has passed and I miss being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is better than intoxicated because it's all from within and everything else is pushed out... not unlike washing a bottle. The bubbles fill every iota of space then you start putting water in until all the bubbles are displaced. It takes several rinses before the bubbles don't come back after the water is poured out. Strange.
9/26/96 - I'm thinking as little as possible this morning. Why think? It just gets me in trouble. Well, trouble isn't the word... discomfort suits the feeling much better. When I think I usually reach the same conclusion (regardless of my thought's focus): "I don't know" or to wrap up the conclusion in one, simple word (isn't that a Connells' album?)... UNCERTAINTY. Uncertainty may be the basis for everything. There is a whole school of physics that deals with uncertainty. The model works something like this: at the smallest levels nothing is completely predictable. Certainty at best is a short list of options ; the option that "happens" (physicists say "actualizes") is then based on chance. Ok, if the smallest happenstances are based on options, the combination of an infinite number of smallest happenstances produces life, in all its screwy splendor, as we observe. Have you heard of chaos theory? Fractles? Can you image how the smallest uncertainties propagate through events from smallness to lifesizeness? I can't. (I'd like to use strong language here, but I'll refrain... translate for yourself) It's messed up! Ahh, can you see why, when faced with the uncertainty of living, I choose ignorance to thoughtfulness? Or maybe I'm lying to you.
9/27/96 - A foul mood has swept over me like the earth's shadow over the moon. I amuse myself by writing cheap similes... I find little humor in the action this morning. My email was no help either. Squat. That's what I had this morning. Three messages, 2 regarding stuff too drab to discuss and one with some simply boring statistics. The web machine is down. I write on another box and will transfer the data in a moment. Let's see what I can do to remedy this crappiness. I don't have to wear a tie today. It's not as fun to go without a tie when I don't have to anyway. There's a certain happiness in rebellion, even at such a small level. I guess I've known this forever... actually, I bet it's this happiness on which reverse psychology is based; I'd never put that together before. I feel slightly better... sort of smart. Nothing like an ego boost, eh? I get to walk across campus to deliver some paper... Lee Parker, professional errand boy. It beats sitting at my desk; I shouldn't fake to complain... someone might insist I stick to duties more in line with my job description. Ok, a quick prayer; God, please give me some happy excitement and, also, please excuse my selfishness. I have a quote on taped to my terminal: "Pray to God, but hammer away". Not unlike "God helps those who help themselves". Let's see what kind of excitement I can dig up.
9/30/96 - Some how this all must make sense. I'm here. It's now. There's not much I can do about that, yet the unsettled feeling won't leave. I must have more fun. I'm 26. I'm getting older. This is the only chance I have to live a life that pleases me. Nothing entitles me to anything. I must make the place in which I'm comfortable. But I'm not on this planet (or in the Universe... pick your own line) alone. Where does my life impact other's. Should it? At what level am I responsible for the borders? I rely other people for so much. Perhaps if I allocate energies outside myself I'll improve my own state of mind; I could develope a supply side social consciousness. Interesting idea. To act I'll eventually have to embrace my ideas in the present tense... as of now they remain in the future. I'll get cracking.