Lousy Stinkin' Dirty Tie!
01/02/97 - First working day of the new year. I get to spend some time today updating my handy planner calendar. I should probably take the old calendar off the wall, but I've nothing with which to fill it's hole. My resolutin this year is to try and be less loserly. I probably should have been doing this all along and the fact that it's a New Year's resolution instead of just a "Golly, I really should work on this for my own betterment" resolution probably means I'll fail. Also, how do I measure my gains toward a less loserly persona. I really don't even consider myself a loser. I have many great skills and qualities hidden under the awkward, indecisive, long hair one day short the next and, perhaps, purple the day after that venear inside of which the poorly defined me lives. Ok, this is getting embarrassing. In fact, I sound like my Mother: "Honey, you're a wonderful person. You should get yourself into a regular schedule with those haircuts. Your father does it so well; why don't you ask him how he does it?" So maybe I don't sound exactly like my mother. But, come to think of it, my Dad has had the same hairstyle since he left the Air Force in 1965; how does he do it? He's not balding for one thing.
01/03/97 - Where in the world is there peace for me? I always seem to be far too highly strung. Oh, well. I'll deal. I think I'll write some random words. No, I won't. Let's see, on with the show. Nothing particularly interesting happened to me yesterday. I got a neat Beatles calendar for my office wall; I have the White Album's publicity shots/poster thingy looking down on me. The Beatles were about my age when they broke up. How completely depressed that makes me. "But Ben Franklin didn't invent bifocals until he was in his 70s" my roommate tells me. Big Fruiting Deal; he probably didn't need them until he was that old. I'm young enough to feel the weight of my boring apathy. Enough of this crud; on with the happy stuff. Record breaking heat waves in January make some people happy. It's supposed to be 70 degrees today. Yikes. Last year this time we were being socked by severe cold and snow. If only... I did make up some cool recipes when I was snow bound. I also observed the strange buying habits of Richmonders... they wanted everything I did... wine and premade cookie dough. If only life were that simple... perhaps it is but no one wants to believe it. Disbelief rocks.
01/06/97 - My friend Kent ages up today. I've known him for about 20 years. The other night Andy, Kent and I went to a bar for dinner. The place is owned by another guy with whom we grew up (and rode the bus to school). I, being a regular, walked in and noticed new cocktail napkins. "Hey Jack, what's up with these new napkins? I understand the Bottom Line part (the bar is called The Bottom Line), but why the blanks for name and number? Is that so when you're really busy you'll know who's next?" Jack paused then said "You really don't get it, do you?" It was at this point I was glad there was almost no one in the place (not unusual at 7pm on a thursday) because I realized how stupid I'd just been. I've been working on this story all weekend. I was going to tell it on stage (with my band) friday night, but I forgot. I've also been trying to figure out why I derive so much satisfaction from belittling myself. I've been working on this paragraph for 30 minutes now and I keep getting interrupted by work! How annoying! Geez.
01/07/97 - How the heck are you?! I may be fine. I've been up and down all my conscious day (which hasn't quite been 2 hours). I heard "Silver and Gold" by Bad Company (a band I don't normally like) and was put in a good mood. Then I had fun reading email (which is good). But then I talked about some (probably secret type) boring stuff and was brought way down. Also, place caffeine into the equation (a natural, chemical mood messer upper) and you get one weirded out me. But that's beside the point, or is it? I don't care. I'm going to have a good day because I said I will. I will be efficient at work and I will run and I will practice guitar for 30 minutes (I'm studying "Greensleeves"; perhaps my favorite melody). Speaking of favorite melodies, last night I purchased the "Lorenzo's Oil" soundtrack, on which is the most beautiful recording I know. It's an a cappella version of Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings". I listened to the piece then listened to a stringed recording. The difference is unbelievable. The human voices are too gorgeous to even attempt a verbal description. Well, I feel much better now. I hope you are still well, too.
01/08/97 - I found a tiny little candy cane on my desk. I'd forgotten how much I like mint and coffee. I was going to start here => The only thing more pitiful than a woman with too much perfume is a man with too much cologne... someone on this hall is mighty pitiful (I hope they don't read this). Ok, who wants to place bets on tonight's weather? Will I arise tomorrow at 7am, shower and come to work? Or will I arise tomorrow at 11am, don boots and dirty clothes and walk to Food Lion through piles of snow to bring back biscuits and brunswick stew? Of course I'm pulling for the latter, and this is about the only time of year the University will actually shut down (no students around). Wait! I'm not done yet! Do you talk to yourself, aloud, in the car? I sing full blast and probably quite poorly; I hoping this is normal. This morning I came to an intersection where I have the right of way and the approaching minivan was yielding. "Ha, Ha, Ho. Now you have to wait for MEEEEEEEE...." I said. I was faking an evil laugh when I realized my whole body was into the act. I was swaying and beating on the steering wheel. It doesn't bother me that the minivan's driver may have witnessed the whole thing. In fact, heck, I'm telling the whole world I do weird things (not that the whole world is reading). I guess in a strange way I revel in my me-ness. I just wish I could shave better.
01/09/97 -
Well, it snowed and sleeted and is currently freezing raining and here I sit,
safely, at my desk. I wore jeans and boots and a flannel shirt... at least I'm
comfy. Work clothes are starting to feel less constricting and that scares me.
If I ever get to the point where ties don't bother me, please, someone kidnap
me and take me to an isolated island in the south Pacific and feed me wine,
fish, bread, cheese and fruit until my senses return... don't make me pay for it
either. Suddenly I have this strange urge to put on a tie...
01/10/97 - Ok, my eyes burn as they always do after staying up late to watch music... last night's fare: Carbon Leaf and Emmitt Swimming. I have no clue how to spell Emmitt. I picked a way and I'm sticking with it until I know better. I'll not bore you with a review more complicated than: Both bands were good. Will you excuse my whilst I go fill my coffee cup? I hear no objections... I'm back. My coffee is horrible. I should misspell every word in that sentence as a protest to this horrid brew. Mi koughy iz whorible. This coffee is burned and the water sucked before it dripped through the cheap grinds placed in the dirty machine. Do you know why (other than fear of caffeine withdrawl) I drink this sub-substandard crap? Because, answers the hypocrite, I get it for free. The machine sits in the break room all ready for me to enter and partake. And I love to complain. I love it. There is little more fun than a good bitch session... did I lie? I'm not the only whiner out there. I hear you. You're EVERYWHERE! In fact, you lousy ingrates are (big word alert) ubiquitous. Has anyone gotten my joke yet? I thought it was slightly clever, but then I got 4 hours of sleep and am just barely receiving my essential dose of caffeine.
01/13/97 - Monday. I had a vision last night. I was wide awake. I don't know how it started; I was only aware of its end. Two friends who've never met were talking about me in a place I've never been. The point of view was mine. I was inside. Outside was bright and sunny. A college friend of mine walked up to the front door and said "Hey Andy, is Lee around?" I know the scene is short. I know the scene is almost trivial, but the vision was so clear. I can't recall what either person was wearing, but I have to think pretty hard to remember what I wore yesterday. The most striking fact is that Andy has never met this person and the vision's dialogue indicates familiarity. So... was it really a vision or did my brain just slip a gear and generate a vivid picture from a few random snippets of information? I daydream constantly... this was bigger and weirder. Hmmm... I have no idea what this means, if anything. Perhaps there is some sort of Synchronicity thing going on here and I temporarily tapped into the universal oneness for a glimps of a future or maybe a group of synapses was frozen during my evening run and freaked out upon thawing...
01/14/97 - Okay, I'm constrained by my job... I must rush through this entry. Last night I slept well and dreamt weird. I married someone I'd never met... I will admit she was very attractive... tall, razor thin and blonde. I guess, being my dream, I built my bride to specifications... how fun is that? She might have been nice but I kept staring at the ring on my hand not able to believe it was there. Strange thing was, I knew it was a dream... so I didn't freak when someone started shooting at us. We'd just been married in a short ceremony on my parent's deck (which I sure as heck wouldn't have picked myself) and were out in the street as bullets started flying. I grabbed... you know, I never got her name, Ms Parker works. Anyway I grabbed her and pulled her into my parent's house and up to my sister's bedroom where a friend from work was leading a four piece harmonica band through Pachebel's Canon in D... Andy played bass harmonica and had just gotten his hair cut as short as mine but it was asymetrically puffed in front... I lost the dream at this point. I've been told, in order to remember a dream, you must awaken in the midst of the action... I've never found this untrue. Out of here.
01/15/97 - Ok, I read this book about management... well, I started it. It violated the third law of thermodynamics... blatantly! "Life" it said "tends to organize." Uh, NO! I'm being slightly quick damning the book. I only read the introduction and first chapter before becoming too frustrated to continue. My education tells me closed systems (like our Universe) tend to move toward disorder. Energy can counter this disorder, but nothing (to my knowledge) is adding enegry to the Universe. Here, as a result of my short read and lifetime of collected knowledge, are my rules of organization: 1) Life tends to disorder; 2) People like order and will exert energy towards order's cause; 3) To order others, one must have more energy than they do; 4) People never order themselves at the bottom; 5) Organizational talent is not related to energy level. From these rules the conclusion I draw is: Organizations are likely to fail more quickly than the organizers would like. And who cares? My thermodynamics professor told me the Universe will end in complete disorder anyway.
01/16/97 - I've decide I don't like belts and would rather not wear them. I found I can get away without a belt at work if I cover my waist with a sweater. I almost never wear a belt with casual clothing. I need to go invest in some good suspenders or braces or whatever the proper name is. Although suspenders (the name I'll use today) may present a problem if you are both wearing a sweater and need to pull down then pull up your pants. I'm assuming the suspenders would go under the sweater. To pull down your pants you'd have to undo the suspenders as pulling them off the shoulders wouldn't work. Then, once your pants are back in place to refasten the suspenders you have to thread them over you shoulders yet under the sweater... see the problem? I have an additional problem this morning (I'm neither wearing suspenders nor planning on removing my pants anytim e soon)... I can't seem to type the first "e" in sweater after the "w"; I keep typing "sewater" which is a cool sounding word, but in no way does it fit the meaning for which I was aiming. I'll think about this suspender dilemma longer and may just decide to not wear baggy pants in concert with a sweater.
01/17/97 - My glasses froze to my forehead and my lips froze to my teeth. I only walked 300 meters. It's cold. I like it. Do you ever think that bad emotions are like termites and will eventual eat away so much of you that you crumble? Sometimes I believe that. I understand denial because denial stops the termites, but then you have to justify everything else against a false emotional landscape and this doesn't always work... more problems. Have you ever tried to move each finger on your hand without moving the others? It's pretty damn difficult, perhaps impossible. The only way I can do it is to hold my hand palm up and stretch the fingers flat (with tension in each) and concentrate while moving each digit slowly. I'm moving very slowly today so I'll just stop here.
01/20/97 - Greetings and welcome to monday. I saw Forrest Gump again last night and I was able to hold back the tears. I can't believe a dopey movie can well as much emotion into a frenzie as it does. Is it a sign of gullibilty that I'm so easily wrapped around fiction? I have been easily fooled before so, perhaps, crying at sad movies relates to gullibility... all you science fair types take notes... you know, this could even be a PhD thesis. Ok, on with the story. I'm growing a beard. Technically, the last time I shaved was friday morning so, although I made the decision this morning, today is beard day 4. I guess I look sort of lazy but I did try to define the line on my neck so if someone accuses me of slothfulness (I love noun to adjective back to noun words... sloth is a noun meaning laziness; slothful is its adjective form; slothfulness, a noun, is just a waste of letters) I can show the "End of Beard Line" as a defense. Wow, I'm clever, aren't I?
01/21/97 - Why is it when you're late for work you run into EVERYONE and EVERYONE sees you're late? I figure I just don't pay attention to things like into whom I rum when I'm early or on time. Ok, what I would have considered to be a small piece of my childhood cracked over the weekend and now I find it held more importance than I'd thought. You know the Barry Manilow song Copa Cabana? I thought Rico was a diver. Here it was, saturday night, and I'm singing in front of a large group of people. Everyone's laughing as I start "His name was Rico; He was a diver"... Silence. All eyes on me... blank looks. Then someone speaks: "Lee, Rico wore a diamond." "Huh?... No, Rico was a diver!" "Lee, now do you really think a showgirl like Lola would have fallen for a diver?" "YES! I figured he had tons of money and just went spearfishing for fun or something like that." I was crushed. I've thought Rico was diver since I was 7. Now I find out he's some cheesy diamond wearing geek with greased back hair. What fun is that? I want my old picture of the song back. Where Rico wore his wet suit into the bar and Lola fell for the guy because he did his own thing not because he had a bigger medallion than the other disco jocks. This sucks.
01/22/97 - I'm appalled and frustrated by the mathematical ignorance of everyone I know. I know myself. I know I can get more Mountain Dew for my $1 if I buy 2 cans from the machine than if I buy 1 20oz bottle for $.89. This is stupid. I know talking math is only fun with people smarter than I am... and this quickly becomes humiliating. I'll just sit here this morning and think about my rapidly expanding To Do List and sip Mountain Dew from a Wendy's Jetsons: The Movie Collector Cup. The cup's image has a 1990 copyright date. I think this dates back to my college years and the Wendy's by the McDonald's in the shopping center with the cool Chinese brunch place on Nelson St. which is the same piece of pavement we Richmonders call Midlothian Turnpike. Perhaps I've had enough Dew this morning. My To Do List gained 5 new items in the last 30 minutes. Let's see if I can cruise through these with the same zeal with which I finished off the Dew. I... oh never mind. Back to music, sugar, caffeine and work.
01/23/97 - No sleep last night for Lee. He saw his favorite band Agents of Good Roots. He slept late, but still feels tired. He hasn't had coffee this morning but can still write completely outrageous stuff like... like... damn. Chemistry, that's the secret to life and religion. I believe emotions, thoughts, personalities, pretty much everything inside of me (and you) is a direct result of the chemicals reacting inside bodies. What's so unreligious about this? Does it matter that, potentially, mankind can discover how the human being works? Some people believe this is contrary to spirituality. I say BOCEPHUS! (and why shouldn't I use the goofy nickname of a weird bearded country singer in vain?) Knowing "how" doesn't imply knowing "why". I don't even care to know "why"; It's enough to know I'm here. Why is it so strange to think God built a system that's within our understanding's grasp? But those are just the uncaffeinated thoughts of a tired man.
01/24/97 - Strangely enough I find it's friday. How today became friday I don't know. I've been mired in the daily for so long I failed to notice time progress. I'm certain I didn't think time wouldn't progress. I guess I just... you know, It's as if I've forgotten to breathe. Maybe not that severe but the passage of time marks mortality. This is silly. Do you know what else is silly? I want to go swimming right now. I want to go swimming somewhere deep and dark and safe. Even though I know I'm safe I'm still horribly afraid of sharks. Not being able to see my feet and not being able to touch the bottom and even knowing I'm safe I'll still be overcome by waves of shark fear. The combination of safe and scared is fun. And diving as deep as I can go and opening my eyes and not being able to tell the difference between eyes closed and eyes opened and not knowing if I'm drifting up or down but then swimming up for a second and coasting the rest of the way to the surface. That's what I want to do right now.
01/27/97 - The Superbowl was last night and the boys in green won. I played cards. I ate stuff. I cleaned up. I went to bed and suddenly it's monday. My favorite commercial was the Pepsi spot with the super models and the baby; I write that while drinking Coke. How effective was the commercial? Probably not very. I give Pepsi credit for making me laugh but I'm obeying my thirst and drinking Coke. I almost bought buffalo wings at Hooters because of a commercial, but I wanted buffalo wings before I heard the commercial I just didn't know where to get good wings. I bet I could find a good recipe somewhere (like the internet) and make better ones than I could buy. Speaking of good recipes, I made salsa for the Superbowl. People ate it and no one seems illy effected. 3 jalapenos really make salsa hot. I lost $5 in the betting pool. My roommate won $30 and a cop played. 56 points were scored; I said there'd only be 45... What do I know about football? I'd rather play cards.
01/28/97 - So begins tuesday, a dull grey day. The drive to work looked as if all the color had been sucked from things but holes had been punched into the back ground and Christmas lights had been inserted for traffic lights and brake lights... really bright Christmas lights. It's dumping now. I think it was raining so hard when I arrived this morning that my uncovered Jetsons cup of Coke was diluted noticably. I haven't had coffee since sunday. I bought a bag of Ukrop's Hazelnut beans but they suck. Normally Ukrop's beans rock; I just got a bad bag. I mean to take them back but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Returning the beans is a reasonable thing to do, right? I'm dissatisfi ed and I know they'll care... especially since my coffee habit is vast and they are pretty much my sole supplier of beans. Coke is a decent coffee facsimile I just consume it more quickly than I consume coffee thus it's finished sooner and I get a big case of the "nothing good to drink" bummin's so maybe I do like coffee bunches better than Coke. Plus Coke costs more. Have you noticed Ukrop's backwards is "Spork U" which, of course, refers to the famous University at which the Spork (half fork, half spoon) was invented 30 years ago today? I thought you'd enjoy that interesting nugget of completely fabricated history.
01/29/97 - Ok, I'm busy. Major league busy. No time to write journal busy. I'm making pretty pictures for documents I'll never read. I'm printing tax forms for people I've never met. I'm doing all kinds of boring yet somehow important to the people for whom I work type things. I wish everyone had the clarity of thought to realize how unimportant everything is. Basically people create importance and pin it to tasks and then other people see this and do the same thing and before you know it the world is a big screwed up quilt of unimportant things that suddenly look important so everyone buys in and stresses out which is completely the last thing that should be happening because when 6 billion people stress out the chances that one person in 6 billion will walk into a McDonalds and randomly shoot 10-25 people is pretty high. Basically we can avoid a big mess if everyone would just agree to chill out. Peace, out. I was about to end with that beautifully phrased hippie cliche but I just couldn't do it. Violently peaceful people that won't accept that some people are just naturally high strung piss me off too because I'm naturally high strung and don't want some funny smelling matty haired freak looking down on me simply because I can't relax and I don't think George Bush is a weenie for not chilling but instead bombing the crap out of a twenty five cent sandy shoed bully over our country's major source of energy. Wow, I'm bitter this morning. I could use a trip to the beach, but strangely, I can understand how sand in one's shoes might drive a naturally high strung person to explode and send troops over to his well off neighbor and demand something... although I'm too nice; I'd just dump the sand from my shoes and have some coffee.
01/30/97 - Ouch... headache. Maybe I deserve this for implying sand in one's shoes is justification for vast anger or that matty headed folks are freaks or any of the other random sins I so frequently commit. Of course I know, as bad as I am, I'm nowhere near that lower bound of goodness... or, put another way, why aren't those more evil than I suffering more frequently? It's a moot question. They're not suffering because things don't work that way. My friend Jane just brought me a bag of Chinese horseradished, dried green peas. I'm eating them now because, if this headache kills me, I'll die with a weirdly good food in my stomach. I must be eating an awful meal because it violates the first rule of nutrition AND I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who'd agree with my assesment that: It tastes good. Step back. I just thought about what I've written... I might be wrong. I think I've found a loophole in the first rule of nutrition. The first rule of nutrition states: If it tastes good then it's bad for you. Here's the loophole. If you can mix good tasting (thus bad for you) things in a combination that tastes bad... IT MUST BE GOOD FOR YOU. Please don't pick apart my obviously flawed logic; Isn't eating horseradished, dried green peas with Coke enough punishment?
01/31/97 - No Headache for Lee today. In fact Bob Dole... I mean Lee is in a good mood. Lee is very busy. Lee should not even have taken the time to compose verbage for something as unimportant to others as Lee's journal page. But, darn it all, Lee likes doing this so Lee did it (well, is doing it). And when Lee says "Doin g It" Lee means nothing Beavis-and-Butthead-like... Lee will cease this line of thought. Lee is typing feverishly now. Lee is, unfortunately and quite suddenly devoid of thought. Lee might have had an interesting thought as recently as 60 seconds ago, but Lee forgot it. Has Lee ever mentioned he really likes adverbs because adverbs sort of... mostly end in his name? Lee, at one point in time, thought that was a clever thought but Lee is not so certain exactly what constitutes a clever thought these days. Lee has work to do so Lee will be leaving you within a couple of lines... Star Wars is rereleased today... Lee spent his childhood half wrapped in a fantasy that Lee and Luke Skywalker were best friends. Lee wishes everyone a swelly interesting and just plain safe, fun weekend.